When you think of a Zombie Apocalypse, what comes to mind? How will you survive? Movies have taught us that maybe going to a mall might be a good option, or to stick with your best bud and head over to your favorite tavern! Me? Well I’d try to make things even more interesting. Seeing as I live in a tropical island, I’m going to base this post around surviving a zombie apocalypse in Puerto Rico. More importantly how >>> I <<< would survive this.

Step 1)  Where do you live?

Do you live on the 12th floor of an apartment complex? You’re probably better off staying there than a lonely house where the zombies will make their attempt to break in as soon as possible. Get the people on floors one through eleven first! Just make sure you stock up on food. From my many experiences in the world of video games, having the high ground is always a good thing. That or make sure you win in a cage match, because those are always awesome. Would you win against a zombie in a ca-… nevermind.

Step 2) Anti-social perphaps?

Do you have a lot of friends and/or do you live with family? Psychologically it would make sense in the short term to be alongside someone who you can battle alongside with… but what about when food is starting to run short? If you’re by yourself you risk going crazy by not talking to anyone, but think of all the food you will have! You will outlast everyone! Also, there’s always porn. Just charge up a ton of laptops and iPods and put your favorite ones in there, just remember that odds are all of those people in the crazy orgy are probably dead, eating each other, just like in the po-… once again, moving on.

Step 3) Boom! Headshot

Weapons. Get some. Now. A shotgun, an axe, a chainsaw, some Steven Segal movies and you’re set. Know someone you hate? Bring them with you and use them as bait.

Step 4) Keep yourself happy

Just because I recommended to be alone during this gig (aside from the person you use as bait) does NOT mean you need to sit there and listen to the soothing sounds of death getting closer and closer. As I mentioned previously, stock up on any electronics that have long-lasting battery life and fill them up with plenty of movies, music and porn. Mostly porn. You never know when electricity is going to go out. DRM? Copyright? Pretty sure they have their hands full with angry zombies knocking on their door. Seriously though, porn. Also, a notebook. Write the stuff that’s going on, or get to writing reviews about each porno, that’ll really keep you busy. PORN!

Step 5) Communication

We don’t know how long this zombie apocalypse fad is going to last, so even though we’re by ourselves we need to contact the outside world. Screw the neighbors though, what did they ever do for YOU!? Get some cloth, anything and write a message to hang out of the balcony of your home. Internet still around? Browse for more porn and AFTER that see if there are any signs of rescue coming around the area. If you’re getting really bored of the same type of porn, just try new alternatives, I heard mudkip on mudkip action is pretty sexy.

Final Step – PATIENCE

Do NOT leave your home. Do NOT pass Go AND collect the $200, what the hell did you do to deserve them!? If there’s anything we learned from most zombie flicks is that moving to another location will result in death, pain or other people trying to rob you of what you have, especially your porn. If help is going to show up, it will eventually. Just make sure that you rationalize your food enough so that you can keep holding off moving somewhere else for a long time. Unless there is a really attractive female that you think you may be able to help, do NOT leave the home. Even then, do what you must and then use her as bait. UNTIL you see that there are maybe a few dozen zombies left, wait. Once that time comes, grab a backpack and head over to the latest safe point, Francis and the gang are waiting for you there. Yes, this sounds terrible but this is a SURVIVAL GUIDE and my job is to keep you ALIVE!!!

Now… save this post and remember it for when the apocalypse happens. After all, 2012 is not that far off!

Stay classy.

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